the accident

Monday, November 11th 2013 is a day I will never forget. I took Tyce to school right before noon like I do everyday. Tyce goes to the Thomas Edison school in Nibley. I dropped him off and was on my way back home. I have to make a left hand turn onto highway 89 which means I have to cross 4 lanes of traffic with cars going about 60 mph. It always kind of makes me nervous. I am very aware of how fast they are going and I am always pretty cautious. I sat at the intersection for a long time because traffic was thick. I was waiting for a big gap. One more car was coming in the north bound right lane, a black suv, and then there was a huge gap behind it so I knew once it passed, that I was free to go. As it approached, it turned on its blinker to turn into where I coming out of. There is no turning lane there so as it slowed down I went to pull out. I looked to my right one more time to make sure I could get in the far south bound lane and when I looked back I barley saw the silver Nissan Altima before it T-boned me. This car had been in the blind spot of the black suv the whole time and I never saw it. The driver of the car never saw me until she hit me. The full impact was on my driver's side door and it spun the pathfinder around until it was perpendicular to the 2 south bound on-coming lanes of traffic. I am so grateful that no one was in those lanes to hit us a second time. The pathfinder spun around on two wheels and I consciously remember it coming back down to all four. I am so grateful it is a heavy vehicle or it would have been on its side. I remember vividly the full second of spinning around. It felt like 5 minutes. I can see it all in slow motion. The car hitting us, the sound of the collision, the air bags, the dust, the pathfinder finally coming to rest, and Jacey screaming in her seat behind me. My first thought was, it was my fault. My second thought was I was so glad the front air bag didn't deploy - only the side air bags did. I tried to get out my door but it was caved in so I jumped in the back seat and hurried to get Jacey out of her buckles. She was screaming and screaming and I remember her saying "Mom you broke it!!!!" She was pretty ticked that I broke the pathfinder. I got her out of her seat and held her close and tried to tell her that we are ok and that everything is going to be ok but I was mostly trying to convince myself. I tried to come to terms with what just happened. Luckily I was able to find my phone and I tried to call Rustin but he didn't answer. The back passenger door opened and I saw three or four pairs of hands trying to move the air bag out of the way enough to help me get out. When I stood up, I realized I was wet and my first thought was, 'did my water break?' and then I realized that no, I had just peed in my pants a little. Which is not surprising since I pee my pants on a good day so this wasn't knew albeit embarrassing and I hoped no one noticed. I saw the car that hit me and I about fell to the ground. I was in shock and my adrenaline was pumping. I was dying inside thinking that I may have killed someone. The driver of the other car didnt look like she was conscious. I held Jacey as tight as I could while she cried and cried. I kept telling her it was going to be ok. My hands were shaking and someone asked if they could take my phone and call someone for me. I couldnt think and I dont think the words coming out of my mouth made sense. I dont even know what I said but I wouldn't relinquish my phone. I heard someone say, "Oh my gosh she is pregnant!" A man with a levi button up shirt and gray beard held both my shoulders and asked if I was LDS. I said yes. He asked if I wanted a blessing and my mind was racing and I didnt say anything. I saw another man walk up in a suit and tie. He also asked if I was LDS. I said yes. He said "I am a bishop.Would you like a blessing?" I said yes and I knelt on the pavement and the two men gave me a blessing. I dont remember what they said but I remember feeling protected. I knew I had been protected in the accident and I would continue to be protected in the aftermath. I don't really know how to explain it very well but I felt myself calm down and I could see things as they were, not with all the adrenaline and emotion. I felt like I could think clearly and I was focused on what I needed to do next instead of letting the sickening feeling of knowing I had hurt someone take over. I didn't feel caught up in the scene of police cars, paramedics and ambulances. I could just see it for what it was and move to the next step - which is very uncharacteristic of me. I wish so much that I could find those two men and tell them how much that blessing helped and how grateful I was. It kind of breaks my heart that I won't have that chance. I wish I knew who they were. 

Rustin text-ed me and said, "I'm sorry I couldn't answer, is everything ok?" With my shaky hands I wrote back, "no, please call me." He called me and I told him I was in an accident and he said he would be right there. An officer walked up to me and walked me to the ambulance and help me in. I tried to lay Jacey down on the stretcher but her little arms were wrapped around my neck so tight she wouldnt let me go. I finally got her to lay down and I held her hands while they hooked her up to some monitors. I sat there for what seemed like forever, answering questions. They made me put on some oxygen. It broke my heart to see tears rolling down Jacey's face. She was so scared. An officer came in and asked me what happened. I told him and he wrote everything down. It took Rustin forever to get there because we were blocking all four lanes of traffic and there is no way around that area. He was at lunch with the company managers when I called and drove up there with them so he didnt have a car. He borrowed Dennis's car and when he couldnt get through he put on his hazards and rode down the median. All the people stuck in the traffic were pretty bugged at him. When he got as close as he could he jumped out and ran up. When officers found out who he was, they let him through. They told him his family was in the second ambulance. He ran up and said he was so relieved to see that we were ok. He hugged me and I fell apart for a second. I told him how sorry I was and he kept telling me, "I don't care about the car. That is nothing to worry about. You are both ok and thats all I care about." I only had two little cuts on my arm and Jacey just had a burn on her eyebrow from the air bag. The side air bags performed their job perfectly, cushioning our heads so we never hit the window. The paramedics tried to talk us into letting them take us to the ER but I knew we were ok. We told them we would just go straight to my doctor's office. They wanted Jacey to have x-rays done on her neck to make sure she was ok. Me and Rustin both felt like she was fine so we had to sign our lives away saying that it is not their fault if we die on the way to the hospital. They finally let us go and we went to my ob's office. He sent me to the delivery room to be monitored for a couple hours. I want to mention a word about Jacey. Of course I felt horrible to have her go through all that but I have to say, it was so nice to have her with me. It was so nice having someone to worry about and take care of. It was so nice having her to hold and comfort during the whole experience. She was scared and sad but once we got in the car with Rustin and drove away, she was all smiles and giggles. She was singing and happy as a lark. It was so refreshing to have her bright spirit there. It lightened the atmosphere immensely. Aren't children wonderful? So resilient. When I helped her our of her car seat at the hospital, she reached up and stroked my cheek and said, "We're going to be ok Mom". It warmed my heart like nothing else could. When I had to change into the hospital gown, she asked Rustin all excited, "Mom gets a new dress?" Well sort of. When I came out with my "new dress" she had a funny look on her face and said, "thats a pretty dress" like she was trying to be nice but it doesnt get much uglier then a hospital gown, lets be honest. All while we were in the hospital, Jacey was singing and dancing and chatting with the nurses. She was so delightful to have there. I was so grateful for her. After a few hours the doctor came in and said that the baby was probably just fine but with that kind of impact, they worry about the placenta pulling away. He said that I needed to be induced. There were enough dips in the baby's heart rate that made him worried about sending me home and risking me start bleeding. He said he would feel better if we just got the baby here safely. 

The Pathfinder was totaled. When Rustin went to clean our stuff out of it. He said that the front air bag did deploy. I swear it didnt. But he said it was out. I don't know how it didnt hit me, but I know that it didn't. One of many tender mercies that day.

This is the other car.

I asked Rustin to give me a blessing. He gave me a beautiful blessing. One thing he said was that the Lord would bless me in ways I would have never considered. I can testify that I have felt the fulfillment of this blessing in more ways in the weeks that followed then I could describe. I really felt like I was able to put away the events of the day and focus on having this baby. I am so grateful for a husband who is always calm and kind. He is always there for me, he is full of integrity and he is a worthy priesthood holder. I love him dearly. 

We made arrangements to have a friend take the kids and Rustin went home to get what we needed. They hooked me up to pit around 3:30 or 4. I made sure the nurse new I wasnt one of those women who like to see how much pain I can stand before I get an epidural. I figure if I'm going to get the epidural then I want the epidural. If I have a choice between pain or no pain, I pick no pain. I'm cool like that. I'm not really in to testing my pain tolerance :) So I got my epidural a few hours later and Rustin and I spent the next hours enjoying Monday Night Football which is a real treat since we don't have TV at home. About 10:00 pm they called the doctor and I pushed three times and delivered a beautifully healthy baby boy at 10:14 pm. The whole procedure was text book perfect.

He weighed 6'12 and was 19 inches long. I was thrilled with his size. They warned me he might be too small and might have to spend a night in the NICU. But he was absolutely perfect.

I cannot adequately describe the gratitude I felt. By all accounts I should not have been able to walk away from that accident with only a scratch. I felt so protected and taken care of. It is such a miracle to have a perfectly healthy baby but it felt even more of a miracle this time with all the events of the day.

That night, the epidural wore off and the adrenaline was gone, and I felt the whip lash in my neck and the aches from giving birth. It seemed like the longest night of my life. Every time I closed my eyes I saw the car hit me, heard the crash, smelled the chalky airbags, and heard Jacey screaming over and over and over again. It replayed in my mind hundreds of times and the more tired I became the worse it seemed. I was so happy to see the morning come. The painful memory and feelings seemed to lessen as the days went on and I felt so much help beyond my own. I recovered so well and have felt really good. I did have a melt down when I found out about the driver of the other car. She was 48 years old and she had a broken leg, broken ribs, broken sternum, and a broken clavicle. She had to have surgery on her clavicle to have it plated. she spent five days in the hospital. It killed me to know how hurt she was. Her air bag saved her life and my friend told me that she just feels so grateful to be alive. She has asked about me and hoped I was doing ok. I was so amazed at what an incredible person she must be. To find out about her was the hardest part. There is nothing I can do about it and I know that beating myself up doesnt help anything or anyone. I just keep her in my prayers. 

I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who listens to my prayers. I am so grateful that He knows my heart. I know He knows who I am and is very aware of me. There has never been a Thanksgiving season where I have ever felt such deep gratitude. I am so deeply deeply grateful.

Jacey's very first hair cut

I'm on a blogging marathon, watch out. I have never cut Jacey's hair before because she wants it long like Rapunzel. I had to cut a little of her hair awhile ago because her gum was stuck in it and she was ticked that I cut off some of her hair. But one day she noticed one of her friends at short hair and she decided she wanted to cut it so my good friend Katie Jane cut it for us for free. Thank you Katie.

I realize I went a little over board on the pictures but she just looked so cute and all grown up.

I thought she would have a melt down afterwards but she really loved it. It looks so cute. Its a little A-line. It makes her look older which is kind of sad but very cute.

golfing with dad

Yes thats right, I posted on my blog three times in one evening. I am out of control! Anyhow, Uncle Caden came up a few weekends ago and he and Rustin went to hit a bucket of balls and we tagged along.

It was such a gorgeous day.

Yes Jacey dressed herself and decided to wear Tyce's Mario shirt. Whatever. She may look kind of like an orphan but at least she is modest.

The buckets were a perfect stool! They were so happy to sit there and eat their suckers. They were being so funny. I should have recorded their conversations. They really are such great friends.

random catch-up pics

I found a few random pictures to share. In October, Rustin's Dad called and said he had extra tickets to the BYU vs Boise State game. They were excellent seats and his insurance company had a tent there with all the food you can eat. We decided to have one last hoo-rah before we have a new baby. My friend took the kids and had a sleep over so we drove to Provo and had such a good time at the game. The game was phenomenal! BYU played so well, it was so exciting to see them beat Boise State. We drove home and enjoyed a quiet house. We got up the next morning at went out for breakfast. It was a really nice date.

I found this pic on Rustin's phone and it made me laugh. She is such a smore monster. We ate a lot of smore this summer/fall. 

Our first snow! It looked so pretty.

The kids got a Wendy's frosty coupon from our neighbor for Halloween. What an awesome thing to give away for trick or treating - they thought it was the coolest. We had a nice family home evening treat. Gotta love Wendy's.

I found this in my room......what the? Oh my Jacey, she is so funny.

I don't think Jacey has taken a nap since she turned 2 but I was folding laundry on my bed the other day and she was helping me and when I looked over, she was totally asleep. She looks so nice when she sleeps, like she couldnt harm anything. Perhaps its because its the only time she is not causing harm, ha, jk :)

I walked into Wal-mart and this guy saw me and smiled and said, "I know you probably don't feel like it but pregnant women are beautiful. You should take a picture." At first I thought he was kind of creepy but he was so sincere that it was actually a nice compliment and I appreciated it. I'm not in to taking pregnant pictures but here it is right towards the end in all its glory. The unbuttoned pants especially make the photo all the more real life. So happy not to be pregnant anymore.

Halloween

Oh what? It's Thanksgiving tomorrow? Perhaps I should post our Halloween pictures first. We took the kids to the Pumpkin walk in North Logan which is one of my favorite Halloween traditions. It might be the only thing I really love about Halloween.

This year they had this pumpkin puppet show which was so cute! The kids LOVED it. We couldn't pull them away. It was so creative and fun. I hope they do it next year.

We did not get very good pictures of their costumes. I think it's because I am a Halloween grinch and am pretty glad when its over. 

My mom gave the kids some pumpkins and Tyce was super excited about it until Rustin made him take the guts out of the middle. He started bawling and throwing the biggest fit. Rustin was so bugged but I thought it was hilarious because the guts in the pumpkin kind of make me want to cry too......well maybe just dry heave. We compromised and I got a big spoon for him to use.

I love her concentrating face. I think its so cute.

So I thought I would make them some fun Halloween pancakes. They ended up looking so disgusting. These were suppose to be ghosts. I used food coloring later and made some pretty wicked awesome pumpkin pancakes but the kids didn't eat them very good - weird.

So in true Jacey fashion she changed her mind the morning of Halloween and wanted to be Ariel - NOT Rapunzel. I swear. She has wanted to be Rapunzel forever. I even bought her this long hair but she hated it and refused to wear it and was bawling that she couldn't Ariel. She is a real treat.

Overall Halloween was lovely but I am always glad when its over. One of my favorite things about my kids is they never remember about their Halloween candy after Halloween. They dumped it all in the candy bowl and forgot about it. They never asked about it the day after and randomly one of them will ask for a piece of candy but mostly its out of sight, out of mind. I love that :)